“Out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
~ Rumi
That field beyond right- and wrong-doing… What is it like there? How do you get there?
For me, it is a place of centeredness, a place of freedom, and it is where I reside when I live in detachment. Detachment meaning, I am not attached to a position, to a judgment, to being right. Or being wrong!
(Can you see how this might be useful in a sales conversation, or while guiding someone in fulfillment?)
This ability to be centered and beyond right or wrong is a lesson and a gift that I embrace and appreciate. I find the freedom from right and wrong opens up more spaciousness to honor the person I am talking to, and gives me access to the ability to honor their own choice beyond what I might think they need or want.
In other words, I am able to Celebrate Choice: the third core principle of Ethical Sales.
How do I escape that trap of right- and wrong-thinking to this elevated field, and how do I reside here more often than not? Because like most of us, I don’t reside in this field all the time – and sometimes it takes a strong reminder (like abrupt external feedback, or, ideally, inner guidance) to return to this ideal place.
Growing up, there was a part of me that was always attached to “right/wrong” thinking. Being an outsider (I was one of just a few Jewish kids in a high school of over 700 students), I experienced bullying during my high school years. To feel safer, and oddly more comfortable, I defaulted to believing I was wrong on most occasions, though at other times I felt righteous and arrogant. I felt both wrong and righteous. In those moments I believed that I knew better, and other people didn’t. I felt superior. And frankly, it was a way for me to feel better inside.
Like I said, I often was fully aware I was the one in the wrong, yet I attempted to hide it by trying very hard to be right (which if I am being honest, clearly facilitated my ongoing bullying experience).
This complex dance was – and still is on occasion – a protective mechanism.
You see, early in life I learned being wrong carried a price. When I was wrong (or seen as wrong) it led to some form of punishment or suffering: ranging from feeling left out or rejected by loved ones, to being bullied by classmates at school. I hated being in the wrong as it was associated with pain.
The only option left then was to be right. And yet, being right didn’t always work for me either! I recall times I felt ostracized as being a know-it-all, or talking too much when I spoke up to correct someone else. I alienated friends and coworkers. At least being right was not as painful as being wrong.
So how did I grow beyond this dance?
“Just because you are right, does not mean I am wrong.
You just haven’t seen life from my side.”
~ Unknown
This quote has served me well. I am now more able to practice that detachment from right and wrong, endeavoring to release attachment to any outcome. Being unattached to a right or wrong perspective goes a long way: it enables me to be more accepting of other perspectives and helps me appreciate other people as they are.
It’s an uplifted version of the “gray area” so many speak of, and serves me well as a guide, a friend, a Relationship Expert, and an ethical salesperson.
For me, detachment is the most elegant path to this field out beyond ideas of right and wrong. Learning about the other person while remaining detached from what they share and decide frees me from judgment or assumption about them. And then, I no longer need to be attached to right or wrong. Instead, when interacting with a client, a potential client, or colleague, I can fully appreciate and celebrate their choice, no matter what it is.
And when you can truly celebrate someone else’s choice, that’s a special kind of freedom, isn’t it?
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Barry Selby in collaboration with ESI team
Barry is a masterful relationship expert, author, podcaster, inspirational speaker, and spiritual guide, affectionally known as “The Love Doctor.” He guides his clients and audience to powerfully love themselves, regaining their wholeness, and helping successful individuals to attract their healthy and fulfilling relationship.
www.barryselby.com
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