Guidance from an Intimacy Expert on Business and Relationship
Recently, I lost my voice for two weeks. It’s been decades since I lost my voice, so in the second week I reached out to a friend and mentor who uses her knowledge of the Autonomic Nervous System and the Vagus Nerve to empower speakers to embody and elevate their voice.
She shared something I never would have thought to do: as my voice was returning, she said to hum a soothing lullaby to myself, then softly add words in the same tune. I asked her if she could give me an example and she sent an audio message back to me with a beautiful hum then a made up song, “It’s okay… I’m alright… this will be… guiding light… It’s okay, I’m alright… this will be… guiding light.” This gentle offering brought tears to my eyes and had me feel so loved and cared for. It’s the exact help I needed, and would not have thought of myself. It’s reaffirmed for me yet again that we need one another during times of challenge and celebration.
Yet, most of us are taught to raise our hand only when we have a problem: when things are breaking or broken, when we’re overwhelmed, or when we’re in full-blown crisis; when there is no other choice, help is urgent — therefore we will finally ask for it.
In my work as an Intimacy Expert, founder of the Ethical Sales Institute, and fellow human, I’ve seen how much can shift in both business and relationships when we practice raising our hand for help, at times we don’t “need” it.
Personally, I have a long history of waiting to ask for help until it was absolutely necessary — and when the answer better be a yes. This came mostly from not wanting to be a burden to anyone, so I was often seen as competent, confident and capable, and not in need of help ever. It felt so lonely, and I would handle my problems solo or with one trusted person behind the scenes.
Over the years, I’ve been practicing asking for help when it’s not urgent. It’s tender, a little scary and so rewarding, even if I’m met with a no. I’ve taught others to do the same and witness incredibly heartfelt, life-changing shifts in how much more they can receive in life when they practice asking when they don’t “need” to.
Asking for help builds community and a support system that doesn’t always require investments of money to receive the help and expertise you need.
What if the best time to raise your hand… is before you need to?
Below are the top three times to raise your hand, plus how to ask for help during a business or relationship crisis. Bookmark this page for the actions that will keep you on track for a life and business you genuinely love.
1. All is Well
This is the moment to deepen. When everything is in bloom, that’s your signal: time to grow, time to prune, time to upgrade. Most people wait until they feel friction to make a change, yet the best time to strengthen your foundation is when it’s already stable.
Relationship
- Looks Like:
- Smooth sailing!
- You’re laughing easily.
- Intimacy is flowing.
- You feel in harmony with each other.
- The little things don’t bother you.
- You feel like a team.
- How to Raise Your Hand:
- Ask your partner if they are open to a conversation about your awesome relationship and how to make it even better over time.
- When they say yes, respond with, “I’d love to use our stability to go spelunking into the deeper topics we may have avoided unintentionally. Which conversation topic excites and scares you the most: money, sex, parenting, death, your spiritual life, our fears and dreams?”
- Consider co-planning or investing in a facilitated Couples Retreat, medicine journey, or weekend getaway with intention.
- Dive in, exploring together from a place of love, not lack or the need to fix one another.
Business
- Looks Like:
- Money is flowing!
- Your team is steady and happy.
- Your offers are converting.
- You’re getting recognition for your work in the world.
- Business feels like a joy.
- You wake up excited to start the day.
- How to Raise Your Hand:
- Ask your community, social media audience, and email list for recommendations on mentors or trainings to help elevate your business in specific areas.
- Check your systems and request feedback while all is well.
- Look at every aspect of your business, from automations and tech to vision: where can you streamline? What can be upgraded, or made more efficient? What’s the company vision 3 - 5 years from now — and are you actively building toward it?
- Research and find a thriving community you want to join to continue to help elevate your practices and leadership development.
- Focus on collaborative leadership and ask your team for their insights on what can be improved: what do they see as can be improved, and where the vision is headed?
- Send your team to trainings; invest in their growth and your own.
- This is where even more future ease is created.
2. Grains of Sand
This is a cycle of time most people get caught in, both personally and professionally. Things are… okay. Not great. Not terrible. And every so often, there’s a blow-up, flare up or mini-explosion. But because the day-to-day is mostly functional (and even enjoyable), they get swept under the rug.
Until the rug turns into a mountain with a hot lava volcano buried inside.
Relationship
- Looks Like:
- You’re functioning well.
- You go on date nights; there’s laughter and connection.
- Every 3–6 months or so, something explodes. You think, “Is this just how marriage or long-term relationships are?”
- In the back of your mind you may have one foot in and one foot out.
- Something is just a little off, yet it’s not enough to leave… and also not enough to fully surrender.
- The little grains of sand from the debris of past explosions create an uncomfortable doubt that arises every so often.
- How to Raise Your Hand:
- This is a powerful time to do your solo inner work: therapy, somatics, journaling, medicine journeys, coaching.
- Ask yourself, “How am I contributing to this dynamic?” and uplevel what arises for you.
- Practice zero complaining. See what arises when you remove judgment and get radically curious, instead.
- Have the courage to thoughtfully bring potent, personal insights to your relationship’s Union. Begin with the practice of asking for consent to discuss them with your partner. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been doing some introspective inquiry and would love to share some of my personal insights with you. It’s about me. Are you available for me to share?”
- Share your insights about yourself without asking your partner to change even a little, and you’ll make a massive deposit in the bank of your Union.
Business
- Looks Like:
- It’s business as usual.
- Team is mostly happy... and you’re also noticing or participating in gossip.
- Money is still coming in, but it’s tighter than is fully comfortable.
- Old systems are still working relatively well, though you’re aware you’ll need to upgrade at some point.
- Something feels off and change is afoot— even if you can’t quite put your finger on where it’s coming from.
- You have the sense that people might leave if the environment doesn’t improve, and a wave of fear flows through you at least weekly.
- Is there unintentionally a subtle culture of resentment or withholding being built or established?
- How to Raise Your Hand:
- This is the time to “clean house” — gently, wisely, thoroughly — before the grains of sand become boulders. Before you clean, you want to see where as many grains of sand are hiding out as possible.
- Ask key team members for feedback on what they notice that’s not a big deal or issue now, yet may be in the next 6 - 12 months.
- For your personal leadership cleaning, practice eliminating gossip, judgment, and internal complaining. This is one of the fastest ways to clean up the behind the scenes in any business. Begin with yourself as the leader. Ask yourself, “Where am I gossiping, complaining, and judging myself and others?”
- Make the commitment to refrain from gossiping, complaining and judging completely. (You won’t be able to actually stop it, though you will notice how often it’s happening!)
- Look deeper at your leadership and consider hiring a skilled coach, mentor, guide or attend some seminars or training on conscious leadership.
3. Apathy Has Set In
This one is dangerous because it feels like… nothing. No crisis, no explosion, just a slow erosion of aliveness.
Apathy is the ultimate freeze response of fight, flight and freeze. It’s possible you may be experiencing depression, hormone imbalances or other treatable symptoms and need to speak with a medical professional for guidance.
Surprisingly, apathy often calls in a crisis to activate change, like a defibrillator to jumpstart the situation and breathe life back into a passionless experience. Calling in a crisis often looks like health, finances, or personal issues arising out of the blue. It forces us to ask the question, “Is there anything left here?” Or is it going to die off — and take your life-force with it?
This doesn’t have to be the end. It’s an invitation to turn it around.
Note: this is not for people in abusive relationships, personally or professionally. This is for healthy people who feel apathetic more often than not.
Relationship
- Looks Like:
- You just don’t care anymore.
- You’ve accepted “good enough.”
- You don’t believe in divorce, so you’re staying; you just want to “go along to get along.”
- You feel emotionally alone.
- You don’t fight — but you don’t laugh much either.
- You’re in subdued survival mode, not co-creation mode.
- Conversations are superficial and primarily about logistics.
- Emotional conversations of any kind are off the table.
- Even if one partner is yelling, the other one will just say, “okay,” with the same emotionless energy they approach the rest of life with.
- How to Raise Your Hand:
- Approach 1: Practice observing your life with your partner for 2 days. Actively look for what is good about your life together. Notice any efforts you or your partner make in those two days without changing anything. Write a list of what you notice, such as “We have a safe place to live. We eat together once a day. I see how they try to help me by fixing the lawnmower, or making dinner. I love their hair, hands, eyes.” Then over the following two days acknowledge how they do show up, even if it’s not perfect (or even close). Even if it’s the opposite of what you would have wanted. See if you can sense their good intentions underneath their actions and share the positive things you’re noticing by acknowledging them verbally, or in a written note.
-
Approach 2: This might sound impossible, but if you can do it, life will look different within a week. Go ALL IN. Light the spark again — on purpose. Here’s how:
Be an internal YES for your partner. Everything they do? Perfect. Everything they say? Exactly right. They can’t do anything wrong. It’s all a yes. Just let them have their preferences, their thoughts, their expressions. Let them load the dishwasher in that annoying way that you would do totally differently. Begin to revel in the differences between you two without any trace of judgment. All YES. Do this for 24 hours. Then recommit daily for 7 days.
Business
- Looks Like:
- You avoid anything business related.
- You’ve been procrastinating on important issues that will eventually be a missed deadline (or worse).
- You’re slowly losing clients.
- Leads have dried up.
- You’re not inspired.
- Nothing’s wrong — but you’re not proud either.
- You feel like you’re floating… or fading.
- You prefer to go get a drink to feel like you’re developing relationships and being productive, when really you’re continuing the pattern of avoiding your workload and disdain for the work itself.
- If you're not going to elevate into the next evolution of your business, it will be slowly taken from you.
- How To Raise Your Hand:
- Ask a few of your closest business friends what process they use to vision, plan or find their passion again.
- You could post an inquiry on social media if you feel bold, or ask in private with trusted friends.
- This is the moment to reignite your vision, to get to the heart of what you’re building in your business in the long term. Ask yourself, “What do I actually want my daily life to look and feel like? Who do I truly want to serve? Who do I want beside me as I build?” It’s time to return to your deepest why — and re-choose, then re-commit.
- Choose to be a conscious risk-taker to live a life of passion and purpose.
Bonus: Let’s talk about Crisis
This is the moment we’ve been taught it is acceptable and appropriate to ask for help — and it’s also the moment we’re most likely to shut down and isolate.
Do not isolate. Raise your hand. You’re not alone, even if you feel you are.
Relationship
- Looks Like:
- Someone participated in infidelity.
- You’ve stopped having sex.
- Porn or technology have taken over and replaced connection.
- Money is a battleground; maybe spending has gotten out of control or a large, unexpected expense came in and you have no idea how you’ll pay for it.
- Crisis in a relationship could also look like a past trauma surfacing and is demanding attention.
- A parent or child dies, or you can’t agree on how to handle a big issue that arises with them.
- One family member is having suicidal thoughts.
- Everything feels overwhelming, emotions run high, and clear, calm, compassionate thinking between you two is not present
- How To Raise Your Hand:
- Write down your thoughts to get clear on what help you need.
- If you can bring the issue directly to your partner, do that and word together to receive support.
- Get immediate help: you’re not meant to do this alone. Share your crisis with one trusted person.
- Lean on friends, therapists, spiritual mentors, expert coaches who know more than you about the challenges you’re facing. Ask for a referral from your trusted friends.
- Surround yourself with people who can hold you. This is how you come back to your strength in Union.
Business
- Looks Like:
- You’re in a cash flow collapse and can’t pay your staff, vendors or bills.
- Clients are publicly complaining.
- Someone copied your work and is profiting from it.
- A team member ghosted.
- Cybersecurity breaches.
- Public-facing scandal.
- You’re waking up in cold sweats, having heart palpitations or other physical symptoms from pressure and stress.
- How To Raise Your Hand:
- Get support now. Pull in your lawyer, your coach, your internal or external tech team, your trusted advisor.
- Don’t try to fix everything yourself. Even one conversation with a pro or trusted helper can help you stabilize and move forward with clarity — and back to thriving again.
- With any crisis, there will be a physical component to the stress. Be sure to fortify yourself with nourishing foods, plenty of rest, time in nature like your bare feet in grass, sand, rocks or water.
- See a doctor or health care professional for further guidance on caring for yourself during a crisis.
When we want to get off the roller coaster of high highs and low lows — beyond “Everything’s amazing!” or “Oh no, everything’s on fire!” — we gently and purposefully place our attention on the grains of sand.
Those grains are our early warning system. They let us know when something needs our attention — before they turn into a boulder, roll down the hill and crush the village.
Learning how to raise your hand — before it’s a crisis — is a skill. It takes courage. It takes practice. And oftentimes, it takes community.
If you’re a service-based professional who’s ready to bring more intimacy, alignment, and joy to your business, you’ll want to check out our Rising Visionary community. I founded this community based on the principles of the Ethical Sales Institute for you to receive training on how to ask for help, how to receive the support that’s available, and how to offer help when you notice someone else who may benefit from your wisdom.
We’re here whenever you’re ready to join us.
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Marla Mattenson
With a 25+ year career, Mattenson is a trailblazer in transforming sales paradigms from transactional to relational for professionals who prioritize the integrity & fulfillment of their services. She is a champion of consent-based sales.
www.instagram.com/marla.mattenson
