“People pleasing pleases everyone but the pleaser.”
~Sanjo Jendayi
In previous careers, especially as an employee, I found that my survival relied on people-pleasing to avoid discomfort or rejection. I went along with everything my boss asked for or said, basically (and bluntly) sucking up to them. I did this regardless of my own thoughts or perspective. I believed they would be happy with me, and I would not risk being fired.
Unfortunately, I sometimes was fired for this very reason. And while I’m on my own business journey now and no longer an employee, this destructive survival instinct (a paradox of its own making) still has a way of showing up.
Can you relate?
You’ve probably also noticed that our professional life behaviors are a mirror to our personal, and vice versa. And thus, this people-pleasing pattern also directly impacted my social and romantic relationships.
In one past relationship, as I had done in previous ones, I was so focused on pleasing my partner. In fact, I was doing everything I could to make her happy – and to keep her happy – so she would stay with me. Whatever she wanted to do or eat, I would agree with her. I put her first, even before my own needs, which means I hid from her. I overgave, essentially, never choosing what I wanted; her needs and choices came first.
In simple terms, I spent all my time in our relationship doing my best to essentially convince her I loved her – and for her to love me in return. In my naivete, I thought I was doing everything right, and I actually felt it was going wonderfully. I subconsciously thought, “This is what it takes to be in a relationship, right?”
Unfortunately, our relationship being wonderful wasn’t my partner’s reality. She got upset repeatedly that I wasn’t stepping into my power, that I didn’t take charge in the relationship and share what I wanted, enjoyed, or truly thought. Over time, the more I attempted to please her and keep her happy by always defaulting to her preferences, the more resentful and upset she became. I didn’t listen to the feedback hidden within her upset, or even attempt to change. I feel somewhat unsettled – okay, sick – thinking about it now!
Looking back, I have a lot of compassion for her. I clearly wasn’t being the partner she thought she had chosen. Our relationship was far from a smooth ride (as you may have already guessed). Eventually, our relationship ended in discord and suffering for both of us.
This was definitely not a highlight of my dating experience. However, it did provide me with powerful (while painful) lessons that I took to heart. One lesson specifically taught me that seeking approval from my partner by doing anything and everything to make her happy by ignoring my own needs was basically insane!
After we broke up, I learned what was really happening in this experience: I was trying to give her the responsibility of my self-worth, instead of sourcing my own approval. And just like in my professional life, it had backfired on me. And here came another lesson, one that has turned into a lifelong journey: to turn within to take care of my own internal approval needs.
Turning within to source worthiness and approval is like filling up a battery, one I wasn’t even aware was running on empty. And slowly, as I learned some skills that I’ll share with you, I became less in need of being fueled by someone else’s opinion of me. I began to have much more success both personally and professionally, as I became more trusted by others that I can stand on my own two legs and share transparently what I truly enjoy, think, and want from life.
This pattern of people-pleasing I played out in my romantic and professional relationships – seeking approval from others before myself – is a trap many conscious and caring individuals fall into. Why? Because we care deeply (perhaps more than is sometimes healthy) in our service to others – and we weren’t taught that sacrifice of ourselves isn’t actually a requirement of that service.
The pattern often happens when we consciously or subconsciously equate someone’s approval of us with survival: think about the last time you really didn’t want to make your client, boss, or partner angry by sharing what you really thought for fear of the consequences.
Bottling ourselves up can feel safer than rocking the boat and risking our income, our home, our comfort… In other words, our safety.
I’ll share a truth here that may help with that fear: whether our service to others is as a volunteer or as a business owner, neither we nor them truly benefit from that people-pleasing approach.
I promise you – there are ways to be of service that don’t require us trampling our own boundaries.
Of course, it feels good to be approved of by other people (friends, loved ones, peers, authority figures, clients, strangers). And I don’t think it’s just me that feels that way! Receiving approval can feel like a booster shot: raising your spirits, giving you a feeling of empowerment. The approval of your clients can make you feel great.
And sometimes the truth is, we don’t even know how to even check in with what we think and want. But taken to extremes, the prospective audience – maybe our social media following or peers’ approval – can feel more important than anything else, including pausing to really dive into what we value, care about, and want.
And ultimately, there is a price we pay when we court approval outside of ourselves; one that we may not notice at first.
Seeking approval from others, whether overt or discreet, is a fleeting “fill-up” at best, and an insidious substitute for your own inner self-trust and self-support at worst. If we persist in seeking approval from others, we perpetuate a co-dependent and “needy” relationship with them, and feel more like a puppet giving our strings to others.
This was my personal and professional experience, one that I have intentionally practiced to overcome and still shows up every so often. That’s human! And, the opportunity to return that power to ourselves is always available to us.
Choosing To Change: How To Begin
As I define it, the fine art of people-pleasing is spending your time and energy chasing others hoping to gain their approval – whether they are peers, partners, prospective clients, or anyone you perceive as having more power than you.
Choosing to change our relationship with that approval can be a game-changer for our lives, and for all our relationships.
One way to go beyond people-pleasing and outsourcing approval is being willing to say “no” to others. I know the discomfort of saying no, and have great empathy for those who choose to begin this practice. At times, it’s uncomfortable at best and agonizing at worst. And, I’ve learned it’s worth it: there’s power and freedom that comes from saying a clear “no,” “no thank you,” “not yet,” or even “not at this time,” when an external offering of opinion or request is not in alignment with what I truly want.
Cleaning up our agreement keeping (which includes making less of them) also leads to healthier boundaries that transform our lives in similar ways.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
~ Louise Hay
The key to dissipating the habit of seeking approval from others is to fill up your own approval “store” from within – just like that battery I mentioned.
There are several methods to filling up your own approval, and I will share with you one of my favorites: having a heart-to-heart conversation with our younger self.
Why our younger self, you may ask?
Because for most people, including myself, we learn ways of being and our beliefs about life both consciously and unconsciously at a very young age.
According to Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief, [1] for the first years of life – from birth until around 6 or 7 years old – we are essentially sponges, taking in “how life is” from our parents and those around us without any filter or conscious decision. We then inherit so many beliefs and rules from the adults and people around us – far more than I can go into here!
During this developmental time, we learn to relate in ways that are not always the most self-supportive, such as needing to please others to be loved, be seen, or be included.
Think back to your own childhood: was there ever a time you noticed you were more enjoyed and loved by the adults around you when you comforted or agreed with them, instead of showing outwardly how their actions affected you?
This is the beginning of people-pleasing and finding our worth in how others think of us, instead of how we feel. And then many of us unconsciously carry this way of interacting into adulthood.
This way of interacting is not only impacting romantic relationships, it impacts business relationships – including with customers and clients.
You might be experiencing this yourself: when we don’t take back the reins of our self-approval and personal preferences, we may well blow through business conversations with no awareness or success at the other end.
Using the Six Pillars of Ethical Sales as a guide, Pillars Five and Six – Confidence and Clear Choice –would be in jeopardy, and our sales conversations would be too. It’s difficult to provide a clear choice to our potential client, or to accept their potential clear choice of “no, thank you” in return, when we are invested in getting their approval at any cost. And when we are people pleasing, our confidence is weak at best; our incredible ability to help them has a harder time shining through, and we unintentionally lessen the potential to connect with this person asking about our services.
Can you see how limiting this would be?
This is why I invite you to have a private heart-to-heart conversation with your younger self to shift those unconscious behaviors that aren’t serving you – simply by getting curious and making them known.
Here’s how to begin the conversation:
1.
Take some time to be in a quiet and private space.
2.
Offer an invitation to your younger inner self to have a safe and sacred conversation with you. Perhaps, with your hand over your stomach, it may sound like, “Hi little one, how are you? I’d love to have a chat with you and support you. Will you respond to me?”
3.
Begin speaking positively to your younger self, comforting both your adult self and younger self to create a safe and conducive environment internally. As mentioned, this wiring of unconscious behaviors and parts may well be buried deep, so be gentle and let any emotions surface. Things to say to yourself (from the “adult you” to your inner younger self) while building this relationship could be, “I appreciate you,” or “I am so proud of you.” Imagine you were speaking with a real child, kindly and simply; it is no different.
4.
When you’re ready, and have successfully connected with your inner younger self, ask that part where they learned to please people. It might sound like asking where they needed to work hard to get attention, or to feel loved. You may be surprised what your younger self has to share.
5.
If (and when) harder feelings and memories arise in response to your inquiries, keep sending care and kindness to your younger self like in step three. And as you receive answers, continue offering that appreciation and understanding to your younger self that you both crave. Thank them for taking care of you the best they knew how at the time. This will have a positive healing action and also allow your younger self to feel cared for – perhaps more than they ever have.
This is a tender practice that will teach you greatly about who you are, and how to fill up your own battery of approval. It may give you insights to what you actually enjoy, what you really dislike, and how your patterning came to be. As you learn, let yourself feel the range of emotions that come up: disappointment, fear, rage, sorrow, confusion, and all others. This is the greatest healing that will come while you’re on this journey.
I encourage you to spend some time with your younger self as an ongoing habit. This builds mutual support and approval inside that you can anchor into when you find yourself wanting to find it externally.
Just like looking back on my relationship that ended and having compassion for my then-partner not experiencing the partner she deserved… I also look back and have compassion for my younger self who didn’t know another way; who was suffering, and trying to gain safety and love through muting who we really were.
This is a true relationship with yourself: the potent turning point where we begin replacing external validation from others with our own internal self-approval, security, and desires.
Know this is an overview of a much deeper process that can truly transform your relationship with yourself. It does with my clients. If you want to learn more, reach out to me.
“You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”
~ Abraham Lincoln
Reference:
[1] Lipton, Bruce H. The Biology of Belief. Hay House Publishing, 2015. https://www.brucelipton.com/
Barry Selby
Barry is a masterful relationship expert, author, podcaster, inspirational speaker, and spiritual guide, affectionally known as “The Love Doctor.” He guides his clients and audience to powerfully love themselves, regaining their wholeness, and helping successful individuals to attract their healthy and fulfilling relationship.
www.barryselby.com
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