“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
~Stephen Covey
Perhaps the most fundamental quality a client seeks in an expert is this: trustworthiness.
“Can I trust this guide/coach? Are they trustworthy?”
Feeling trust in someone often means you feel safe, which highlights the importance of safety in any client/coach relationship. And being trustworthy is a vital pursuit if you want your clients – potential or current – to invest in themselves with you.
Trust is also a fundamental requirement for any long-lasting relationship, whether romantic, business, or even social connections.
I didn’t realize how I was “messing this up” in my younger years. I didn’t feel worthy or self-confident; I was often left out or excluded, and I was unconsciously driven to have others like, accept, and approve of me. I was always wanting to fill up my needs with others’ approval.
One way I pursued this drive was to say “yes” to almost everything I was invited to or was asked to do. Unfortunately, I didn’t stop to consider how many things I had said “yes” to, so I often ended up over-committing, then canceling, feeling like I had failed, then like I didn’t have what I wanted, and was back to saying “yes” to anything that came my way and promised connection.
This repeated experience of over-committing drained me of energy, and more.
In younger years, I got rebuked and rejected as a result of disappointing people I committed to, because I broke so many agreements with them. I let them down, whether friends, family, girlfriends, co-workers, employers – basically anyone important. I made plans or agreements with friends, and later didn’t keep them, and these friendships ultimately suffered.
In one instance, I repeatedly dropped the ball with a close friend. I had agreed to help him at his home. I committed and then failed to show up multiple times, usually because I double-booked myself, and didn’t dare tell him for fear of disappointing him. After several repeats of my failed agreement pattern, he stopped asking for my help, and stopped contacting me at all. It took a while for us to speak again, as the resentment he had for me (and my guilt for not showing up) got in the way. We finally did get past this; however, our friendship was never the same.
In this cycle of breaking agreements with others, I also let myself down. I didn’t trust myself, and others didn’t trust me either. My efforts to be liked and respected by other people backfired. My over-committing (to try to please everyone) and double-booking myself produced the opposite effect: instead of approval and acceptance, I was disapproved of and rejected. Some of my friendships never fully healed.
This pattern repeated many times for me. I have learned that this is common for many individuals; I am not unique in experiencing this cyclical pattern. In fact, many people – including clients – have pursued this same mistaken drive to be liked, loved and approved of with over-commitment, at the cost to their own self-esteem, being rejected or disapproved of.
Think about this: How often have you said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no?” Was it out of guilt? Did you want to make the other person happy, rather than risk their disapproval by telling your truth – also known as “people-pleasing?” Have you agreed to attend an event, and later forgotten to attend? Did you make a promise to a friend, and then were blind to it afterward? I certainly have.
Here’s your first clue to check if your self-trust level is diminished: ask yourself, “Do I trust my word when I say “yes” to someone? Do I trust someone else when they say “yes” to me?”
If your answer makes you a little uncomfortable, you are not alone. The good news is the solution is within reach, though it takes time. Building trust is hugely beneficial, especially as ethical practitioners who care deeply about the welfare of our clients. And we can begin the path forward through small shifts in our everyday behavior.
This is perhaps the most elegant and simple way to increase trust in ourselves and become more trusted by others: taking dominion over our agreements.
In this context, I define “taking dominion” as being responsible for our words, and having ownership of our choices. This alignment is another aspect of being trustworthy.
It’s an impactful way to be free, and at the same time, be respected by others, and also feel acceptance of ourselves.
The first step is to become more self-aware: notice the agreements you make, whether they’re verbal, in writing, or even unspoken.
When your agreements are conscious, your next steps are to track them, and manage them.
I recommend these five keys to dramatically improve your agreements, and, more importantly, your ability to be trusted and be trustworthy:
1.
SAY NO. Make less agreements! As tempting as it might be to say “yes” because you feel you need to, it is okay to say “no” when you want. Check in with your body and energy level before you respond to an invitation or request. And take care of yourself if you do say “no,” especially if it’s not something you’re used to, because saying “no” to others might initially feel like you will be disapproved of or rejected. Yet by saying “no” judiciously, you will discover others will respect you more in the long run. And, you will also gain increased respect within yourself. They will trust your word, as will you.
2.
CHECK YOUR SCHEDULE FIRST. Check your schedule before saying “yes” and making an agreement – no more double-booking yourself! Making sure you can confirm the commitment is another step to building trust and feeling trustworthy. This step is much easier with your smartphone in your hand!
3.
MAKE THEM IMPORTANT. Record your planned agreements somewhere, such as your phone or paper calendar, so you know what you said yes to and can also be reminded of them in a timely manner.
4.
RENEGOTIATE. If your plans change or something comes up, know that it is okay to renegotiate with some reasonable time beforehand.
5.
KEEP THEM. Finally, make your agreements important enough to honor them. Doing this honors the other person, and also honors yourself.
If you’re reading this and feeling nervous about some of these five keys, that’s okay! Saying “no” can feel like a novel and uncomfortable experience for some, as it may feel like you are disappointing another person, or fearing they will disapprove of us. So many of us have been raised with beliefs that we need to be approved of by others to be happy, or to fit in.
Gently practice these five keys in all your invitations, requests and even demands, and you will grow an inner strength and resource of self-support. You will discover that you don’t need to rely on others to approve of you; you will actually find you approve of yourself! I am a student of these keys, and practice them, embracing them into my life. Because these keys lead to greater integrity, alignment and yes, trusting yourself. All your relationships will improve – you will be a better and more respected friend, colleague, partner, and leader. I’m finding inner peace and freedom along the way, as my mind and inner dialogue are at ease. You will find this, too.
Want to take the first step? Start with one thing, one choice, one agreement – ideally one that doesn’t involve anyone else. Make this agreement simple and manageable. Keep that agreement. Repeat.
“Consistency is the true foundation of trust. Either keep your promises or do not make them.”
~ Roy T. Bennett
Barry Selby
Barry is a masterful relationship expert, author, podcaster, inspirational speaker, and spiritual guide, affectionally known as “The Love Doctor.” He guides his clients and audience to powerfully love themselves, regaining their wholeness, and helping successful individuals to attract their healthy and fulfilling relationship.
www.barryselby.com
www.youtube.com/barryselby
