I’m watching a video recording of a pitch deck for a potential business opportunity when something stops me in my tracks:
“In our meetings, we don’t allow for any toxic energy.”
I rewind to listen again. The statement is firm, unwavering: “We don’t allow toxic energy.”
And I can’t help but wonder — what do they mean by that?
Are they saying:
- No negativity allowed?
- No one can express frustration, fear, or doubt?
- Or something else?
Because if negativity really isn’t allowed…
… How do you build trust?
So often, we label certain emotions or expressions as “toxic” and place all the responsibility on one person — “They’re the problem.” You may have even been on the receiving end of this label, or given it to someone else.
But what if “toxic energy” isn’t just about them?
What if toxicity isn’t just something one person brings into a space, but rather, a dynamic between people?
Consider this:
- One person may be unaware of their impact—caught in a loop of blame, judgment, or fear.
- Another person may lack the capacity to hold steady in the presence of negativity without being pulled into it.
It’s not just what’s being expressed — it’s also our ability (or inability) to stay present without shutting down, reacting, or labeling.
And when we don’t have the internal capacity to hold space for discomfort, the dynamic becomes toxic — not just the person.
In fact, that’s when the role and responsibility of knowing our capacity sets in: to set boundaries that work for us in the moment.
Because if toxicity is a dynamic rather than just one person’s fault, then boundaries shouldn’t be for shutting people out. Instead, they can be for recognizing our own capacity — knowing when we’re “full” and need to take a step back.
Try this:
“I don’t have the capacity to listen to you right now.”
Said with care, this doesn’t shut someone down — it expresses a real limitation. It’s not, “You’re too much,” it’s “I wish I had the capacity to be here with you right now, but I don’t.”
This is a powerful and honest way to set a boundary.
Boundaries don’t have to be permanent. Sometimes, they’re just about taking a pause. Here are a few phrases to practice:
- "I care about you. I do want to hear what you have to say. And right now, it’s too much for me."
- "Can we take a breath together? I need a pause."
- "Can we remind ourselves we’re on the same team? I’m feeling overwhelmed."
When we don’t speak up in the moment and instead absorb someone else’s emotional expression — even when we don’t have the capacity — it’s a form of people-pleasing.
And when entire workplaces or relationships only allow for “positivity,” it can feel deeply unsafe.
People are exhausted from filtering their real emotions, or putting on a mask, to fit into an unrealistic mold of “high vibes only.”
The real toxicity? When people can’t bring their whole selves into a space.
We need room for negativity. Not to dwell in it, but to allow for honest, real expression — while also honoring when we need a break.
Because the true toxicity here isn’t the messiness of human emotions.
It’s actually the pressure to suppress them.
So instead of avoiding “toxic energy,” what if we:
- Build the capacity to hold steady in the presence of discomfort.
- Allow space for real emotions — without labeling them as “bad.”
- Recognize when we need a boundary, without making someone else wrong.
That’s how we build trust.
That’s how we build intimacy.
That’s how we create spaces where people don’t have to pretend.
Because at the end of the day, the truly useful goal isn’t to eliminate negativity — it’s to learn how to navigate it with grace.
So, where in your life or business are you mistaking someone else’s energy for toxicity — when it might just be your own capacity being stretched too thin?
And if you want to expand your capacity — whether at work or at home — check out our free, Polyvagal-informed training: “From Freakout to Freedom.” (No opt-in required.)
Marla Mattenson
With a 25+ year career, Mattenson is a trailblazer in transforming sales paradigms from transactional to relational for professionals who prioritize the integrity & fulfillment of their services. She is a champion of consent-based sales.
www.instagram.com/marla.mattenson
